I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
