As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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