Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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