I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
