I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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