Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
