Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
