She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
