when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
