bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Is it because I queefed?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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