I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
