New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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