did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
