I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We're too hungover to prance.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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