I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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