final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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