Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
