I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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