Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
