Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Sorry about my life...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
