It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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