Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
As shirtless as possible
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
