Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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