Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
