He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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