They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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