he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
