You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
