So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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