Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
