please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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