Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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