when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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