U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
