Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize