Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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