just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
this must be what syphilis tastes like
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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