Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I pour the whiskey from now on
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
