Don't make out with my wife yet
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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