Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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