Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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