just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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