All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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