Your mouth is God's brothel.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
