Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
