Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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