He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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