To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
