the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
