well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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