I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
