So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
