I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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