From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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