I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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