How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I fill condoms, not promises.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
